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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Providence, RI Named Most Godless City In U.S.

A new study by the American Bible Society found that Providence, RI is the least “Bible-minded” place in the nation, whereas Chattanooga, TN was declared the most “Bible-minded,” based on the number of residents who say they read the Bible and believe in its accuracy. What do you think?

  • “What the fuck do I have to do to please the American Bible Society?”

    Fisher Hertel Shipping Consultant
  • “I wish someone would tell me where the most hot-dog-minded place in the nation is. I’d move there.”

    Buck Sbragia Brewery Tour Guide
  • “Is that why no one said anything when I sneezed at Johnson & Wales University?”

    Catherine Morrone Bridal Alterations Manager
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