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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Providence, RI Named Most Godless City In U.S.

A new study by the American Bible Society found that Providence, RI is the least “Bible-minded” place in the nation, whereas Chattanooga, TN was declared the most “Bible-minded,” based on the number of residents who say they read the Bible and believe in its accuracy. What do you think?

  • “What the fuck do I have to do to please the American Bible Society?”

    Fisher Hertel Shipping Consultant
  • “I wish someone would tell me where the most hot-dog-minded place in the nation is. I’d move there.”

    Buck Sbragia Brewery Tour Guide
  • “Is that why no one said anything when I sneezed at Johnson & Wales University?”

    Catherine Morrone Bridal Alterations Manager

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