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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Psychopaths Behave Like Stroke Victims

A University of Wisconsin study found that when prisoners exhibiting psychopathic tendencies played decision-making games, they used the same strategies as people who had suffered strokes or brain tumors. What do you think?

  • "I've seen enough Law & Order and House to tell you my personal bullshit theory on this."

    Jenny Blumberg Systems Analyst
  • "To get a conclusive result you're going to have to test the brains of psychopaths and stroke victims when they're cutting people up."

    Will Lind Cost Clerk
  • "Stroke victims always try to get the railroads and utilities first, though. Those are the safest bets."

    Kevin Feltes Doffer

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