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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Public Funding For Stadiums

Taxpayers and politicians in a number of U.S. cities are deeply divided over proposed multi-million-dollar, taxpayer-funded sports stadiums. What do you think?
  • "If we don't build stadiums, then the roads won't be clogged with cars and the bars won't be filled with drunk sports fans. Then where would we be?"

    Karl Orff Computer Programmer
  • "If they're going to build a stadium for the guys, they had better build something for us women, like a parking lot to wait in."

    Barbara Christiansen Florist
  • "I'm voting for the new stadium in my city. Not because I'm a sports fan, but because I can't get enough of peeing in a trough."

    Matthew Arnett Roofer
  • "I don't even want to know how much of the Gilbert City budget went toward repaving the tennis courts at the park."

    Warren Wyler Loan Officer
  • "I don't know much about stadiums, but I'll tell you what I do think: I know it's highly unorthodox to say this, but I really think the Pack might have what it takes to go all the way this year."

    Russell Innes Systems Analyst
  • "How can a child be expected to learn to read in a city with a 30-year-old stadium?"

    Stacie sanchez Psychologist
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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