Public Wants Troops Home

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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

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Public Wants Troops Home

According to a recent poll, 52 percent of Americans want to withdraw troops from Iraq within the next 12 months. What do you think?
  • "Sure, they say that now, but just wait until the troops have been back for a few weeks."

    James Pelletier
    Linguistics Professor
  • "That's intriguing, because 52 percent of me wants U.S. troops out of Iraq, too. Is the poll also, like me, 38 percent in support of the war and 10 percent unsure?"

    Allison Roberts
    Systems Analyst
  • "Ridiculous. I, for one, support our efforts in Iraq, and so do the other gentlemen on the board of Trans-American Cheap Pine Box, Inc."

    Ryan Heffernan
    Chief Operations Officer