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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Pussy Riot Convicted

After making an anti-Putin music video and calling attention to Russia’s crackdown on political dissent, three members of the punk band Pussy Riot have been found guilty of hooliganism and sentenced to two years in prison. What do you think?

  • "How come I haven't heard a word of support out of fellow punk rockers Green Day about this?"

    Marguerite Sherwood Systems Analyst
  • "Hopefully this harsh sentence will serve as a warning to youths who might otherwise have pursued a career in the arts."

    Damien Schaum Bird Trapper
  • "If hooliganism is a crime, then lock me up. Hooliganism is a crime? I retract my statement."

    Neil Pomers Tungsten Refiner

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