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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Pussy Riot Convicted

After making an anti-Putin music video and calling attention to Russia’s crackdown on political dissent, three members of the punk band Pussy Riot have been found guilty of hooliganism and sentenced to two years in prison. What do you think?

  • "How come I haven't heard a word of support out of fellow punk rockers Green Day about this?"

    Marguerite Sherwood Systems Analyst
  • "Hopefully this harsh sentence will serve as a warning to youths who might otherwise have pursued a career in the arts."

    Damien Schaum Bird Trapper
  • "If hooliganism is a crime, then lock me up. Hooliganism is a crime? I retract my statement."

    Neil Pomers Tungsten Refiner
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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