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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Pussy Riot Convicted

After making an anti-Putin music video and calling attention to Russia’s crackdown on political dissent, three members of the punk band Pussy Riot have been found guilty of hooliganism and sentenced to two years in prison. What do you think?

  • "How come I haven't heard a word of support out of fellow punk rockers Green Day about this?"

    Marguerite Sherwood Systems Analyst
  • "Hopefully this harsh sentence will serve as a warning to youths who might otherwise have pursued a career in the arts."

    Damien Schaum Bird Trapper
  • "If hooliganism is a crime, then lock me up. Hooliganism is a crime? I retract my statement."

    Neil Pomers Tungsten Refiner

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