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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Python Hunting Contest Opens In Everglades

In an effort to control the Everglades’ population of invasive Burmese Pythons, which can grow to 20 feet long, Florida officials opened a month-long hunting contest in which professional and amateur snake hunters will compete for cash prizes based on the number of snakes they kill. What do you think?

  • “I hope they don’t kill any of the cute little 10-foot pythons.”

    Georgina Stader Dietitian
  • “What a thrill for amateur snake hunters to be standing shoulder-to-shoulder with the pros of snake hunting!”

    Gil Sabine Rod Bending Machine Operator
  • “I predict this will end badly for someone. Most likely someone who puts a lot of time and effort into this contest and comes up short by a few snakes.”

    Herman Gould Tombstone Setter

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