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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Python Hunting Contest Opens In Everglades

In an effort to control the Everglades’ population of invasive Burmese Pythons, which can grow to 20 feet long, Florida officials opened a month-long hunting contest in which professional and amateur snake hunters will compete for cash prizes based on the number of snakes they kill. What do you think?

  • “I hope they don’t kill any of the cute little 10-foot pythons.”

    Georgina Stader Dietitian
  • “What a thrill for amateur snake hunters to be standing shoulder-to-shoulder with the pros of snake hunting!”

    Gil Sabine Rod Bending Machine Operator
  • “I predict this will end badly for someone. Most likely someone who puts a lot of time and effort into this contest and comes up short by a few snakes.”

    Herman Gould Tombstone Setter
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