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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Qaddafi Killed

Former Libyan dictator Muammar Qaddafi has reportedly been killed in or near his hometown of Sirte. What do you think?

  • "It may have taken longer than expected, but the rebels never wavered in their determination to shoot at anything, and it finally paid off."

    Steve Lewis Hardener
  • "Hooray, Tripoli is going to have a parade!"

    Douglas Fairchild De-Alcoholizer
  • "First Steve Jobs, now Muammar Qaddafi? It truly seems all of the great pioneers are dying at the same time."

    Laura Washburn Unemployed
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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