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Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Quaking All Over

In the past five weeks, two massive earthquakes have killed thousands in Turkey and Taiwan. What do you think about this sudden spate of pre-millennial natural disasters?
  • "Surely this is a sign from God. It's His way of telling us that plates far below the Earth's surface are shifting on top of molten magma."

    Diane Dahm
    Florist
  • "I have no sympathy for these earthquake victims. If they didn't want to take the risk, they shouldn't have been living on the planet's surface."

    Larry Selsberg
    Systems Analyst
  • "Of course all those cheap buildings fell down. Never trust anything made in Taiwan."

    Steve LaFleur
    Cable Installer
  • "In 1992, I experienced a panquake while eating at IHOP. Try as you might, you just can't put a traumatic event like that out of your mind."

    Judith Ambrose
    Teacher
  • "Sorry about that whole earth-moving thing. It's just that my girlfriend and I have such amazing sex."

    Wesley Vebber
    Bus Driver
  • "I don't mean to sound insensitive, but I have to ask: Was there anyone on the scene with an IMAX camera?"

    Frederick Garden
    Comptroller