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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Quaking All Over

In the past five weeks, two massive earthquakes have killed thousands in Turkey and Taiwan. What do you think about this sudden spate of pre-millennial natural disasters?
  • "Surely this is a sign from God. It's His way of telling us that plates far below the Earth's surface are shifting on top of molten magma."

    Diane Dahm Florist
  • "I have no sympathy for these earthquake victims. If they didn't want to take the risk, they shouldn't have been living on the planet's surface."

    Larry Selsberg Systems Analyst
  • "Of course all those cheap buildings fell down. Never trust anything made in Taiwan."

    Steve LaFleur Cable Installer
  • "In 1992, I experienced a panquake while eating at IHOP. Try as you might, you just can't put a traumatic event like that out of your mind."

    Judith Ambrose Teacher
  • "Sorry about that whole earth-moving thing. It's just that my girlfriend and I have such amazing sex."

    Wesley Vebber Bus Driver
  • "I don't mean to sound insensitive, but I have to ask: Was there anyone on the scene with an IMAX camera?"

    Frederick Garden Comptroller

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