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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Quaking All Over

In the past five weeks, two massive earthquakes have killed thousands in Turkey and Taiwan. What do you think about this sudden spate of pre-millennial natural disasters?
  • "Surely this is a sign from God. It's His way of telling us that plates far below the Earth's surface are shifting on top of molten magma."

    Diane Dahm
    Florist
  • "I have no sympathy for these earthquake victims. If they didn't want to take the risk, they shouldn't have been living on the planet's surface."

    Larry Selsberg
    Systems Analyst
  • "Of course all those cheap buildings fell down. Never trust anything made in Taiwan."

    Steve LaFleur
    Cable Installer
  • "In 1992, I experienced a panquake while eating at IHOP. Try as you might, you just can't put a traumatic event like that out of your mind."

    Judith Ambrose
    Teacher
  • "Sorry about that whole earth-moving thing. It's just that my girlfriend and I have such amazing sex."

    Wesley Vebber
    Bus Driver
  • "I don't mean to sound insensitive, but I have to ask: Was there anyone on the scene with an IMAX camera?"

    Frederick Garden
    Comptroller