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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Queen Latifah Officiates 34 Weddings At Grammys

Queen Latifah officiated the weddings of 34 couples—straight, gay, old, young, and of various races and ethnicities—live at the 56th Grammy Awards last night during a performance of the song “Same Love” by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. What do you think?

  • “It’s so inspiring to see people of all sexual orientations coming together to erode the institution of marriage.”

    Marisa Hunt Systems Analyst
  • “Just because it’s legal for old people to marry doesn’t mean I want to see it.”

    Robert Almeida Help Desk Representative
  • “Aw man, I’m getting married in a dumb ol’ church by a lame priest to the stupid love of my life.”

    Billy Stevens Flag Pole Installer

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