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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Queen Latifah Officiates 34 Weddings At Grammys

Queen Latifah officiated the weddings of 34 couples—straight, gay, old, young, and of various races and ethnicities—live at the 56th Grammy Awards last night during a performance of the song “Same Love” by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. What do you think?

  • “It’s so inspiring to see people of all sexual orientations coming together to erode the institution of marriage.”

    Marisa Hunt Systems Analyst
  • “Just because it’s legal for old people to marry doesn’t mean I want to see it.”

    Robert Almeida Help Desk Representative
  • “Aw man, I’m getting married in a dumb ol’ church by a lame priest to the stupid love of my life.”

    Billy Stevens Flag Pole Installer

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