Queen Latifah Officiates 34 Weddings At Grammys

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Queen Latifah Officiates 34 Weddings At Grammys

Queen Latifah officiated the weddings of 34 couples—straight, gay, old, young, and of various races and ethnicities—live at the 56th Grammy Awards last night during a performance of the song “Same Love” by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. What do you think?

  • “It’s so inspiring to see people of all sexual orientations coming together to erode the institution of marriage.”

    Marisa Hunt
    Systems Analyst
  • “Just because it’s legal for old people to marry doesn’t mean I want to see it.”

    Robert Almeida
    Help Desk Representative
  • “Aw man, I’m getting married in a dumb ol’ church by a lame priest to the stupid love of my life.”

    Billy Stevens
    Flag Pole Installer