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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Radiation Blast May Have Hit Earth In Middle Ages

A new report posits that the collision of two black holes or neutron stars may have produced a gamma ray burst that hit Earth in the 8th century, generating a variety of chemical isotopes that can be found in ancient tree rings and ice cores. What do you think?

  • “‘May have?’ Wow!”

    Silvio Mazzotti Spindle Repairer
  • “I’ve always wondered where all these isotopes came from.”

    Penney Scott Quill Cleaner
  • “Wow, tree rings just keep getting more and more interesting.”

    Don Gallardo Auctioneer

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