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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Radiation Blast May Have Hit Earth In Middle Ages

A new report posits that the collision of two black holes or neutron stars may have produced a gamma ray burst that hit Earth in the 8th century, generating a variety of chemical isotopes that can be found in ancient tree rings and ice cores. What do you think?

  • “‘May have?’ Wow!”

    Silvio Mazzotti Spindle Repairer
  • “I’ve always wondered where all these isotopes came from.”

    Penney Scott Quill Cleaner
  • “Wow, tree rings just keep getting more and more interesting.”

    Don Gallardo Auctioneer
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