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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Rallies Against Zimmerman Verdict Held Across U.S.

Rallies were held in cities nationwide yesterday and today, as thousands chanted, marched, and wore hooded sweatshirts in protest of the acquittal of George Zimmerman in the shooting death of unarmed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin. What do you think?

  • “I’m sure this would have blown over by now if they just let George Zimmerman show up at one of the rallies to tell his side.”

    Teresa Aiello Towel Sewer
  • “They need to spread their message far and wide. I suggest talking to Mike Bean and the Bean Crew weekday mornings on KWRX.”

    Leonard Walsh Tool And Die Maker
  • “Jeez, people are still mad about that stuff?”

    Claude Greenman Systems Analyst

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