After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Rash Of School Shootings

The U.S. has seen 25 school shootings since the beginning of the academic year. What do you think?
  • "Gotta say, the coverage is really improving. Quick conveyance of details, good b-roll of the shooters' houses, and they've stopped getting so weepy with the vigils."

    Janelle Hamer Waitress
  • "It's been a while since I've kept up with video games. What just came out?"

    Gary Dukowski Systems Analyst
  • "On reflection, it doesn't seem like such a good idea to have included biathlon in the Presidential Fitness Guidelines."

    Mike Brannon Professional Mover

After Birth

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