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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Reading Incomprehension

Recent standardized-test scores show that, while American students' math scores are acceptable, their reading comprehension is unsatisfactory. What do you think?
  • "Great, now I have to get my kid some reading DVDs."

    Phillip Gordon Plastics Engineer
  • "Well, of course reading's stagnated. Today's kids are single-series readers of either Harry Potter or the Bible, depending on the family."

    Nicole Shustat Telephone Sales
  • "Who needs to read when you're doing data entry for the Chinese?"

    Adrian Cole Importer

After Birth

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