adBlockCheck

After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
End Of Section
  • More News

Reading Incomprehension

Recent standardized-test scores show that, while American students' math scores are acceptable, their reading comprehension is unsatisfactory. What do you think?
  • "Great, now I have to get my kid some reading DVDs."

    Phillip Gordon Plastics Engineer
  • "Well, of course reading's stagnated. Today's kids are single-series readers of either Harry Potter or the Bible, depending on the family."

    Nicole Shustat Telephone Sales
  • "Who needs to read when you're doing data entry for the Chinese?"

    Adrian Cole Importer

After Birth Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close