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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Reality TV Show To Send Winner To Space

NBC announced that producer Mark Burnett and Virgin Galactic founder Richard Branson will create a new reality TV elimination show called Space Race, with the winner earning a flight on Virgin Galactic’s space tourism vehicle SpaceShipTwo. What do you think?

  • “Call me old-fashioned, but I’d rather go to the bottom of the sea.”

    Gregory Markinson Monument Setter
  • “I love reality shows because they accurately depict the world I live in.”

    Bill LaPaglia Systems Analyst
  • “Can the winner stay there for good? There’s nothing for me down here.”

    Carmen Kahn Endodontist
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