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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Record High Unemployment Hits Eurozone

Ravaged by a continuing debt crisis and a sluggish economy, the 17-nation Eurozone has seen unemployment reach 11.6 percent, its highest level in 17 years of data. What do you think?

  • “That’s terrible. How will all those people be able to afford health care?”

    Romeo Du Prez Tape Librarian
  • “They must be itching to get back to that 9-to-12 grind.”

    Gerry Worley Fusing Machine Tender
  • “Well, they better not come here looking for jobs. Last thing this country needs is a bunch of Europeans running around.”

    Jenny Jacquemin Oyster Culturist

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