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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Record Number Of Gay Characters On TV

A record 4.4 percent of all scripted TV characters on the five major networks are either gay, bisexual, or transgender this season, with a total of 111 LGBT characters across all channels, according to the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation. What do you think?

  • “Wow, I’ve got to be honest: That’s far lower than the number I’ve been shouting in my church.”

    Del Fries Minister
  • “And exactly how many straight characters are there on TV? Nobody knows, because the media doesn’t care about straight people.”

    Sterling Weitzner Systems Analyst
  • “One day, hopefully, we won’t even notice their sexuality, and they’ll just become the same under-realized, hackneyed characters we barely acknowledge and completely forget about as soon as the episode ends.”

    Hazel Shepard Reference Librarian

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