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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Recreational Viagra Use

According to a recent study, recreational use of Viagra is on the rise among younger men who don't suffer from impotence. What do you think?
  • "Is having sex for 48 hours straight some kind of a game to these people?"

    Rudy Garcia Housekeeper
  • "At last, a medical miracle to eliminate the 3 percent of the time 20-year-olds don't have erections."

    Douglas Hirtz Counselor
  • "The young people should just stick to the marijuana and the goofballs and let their elders have their Viagra."

    Lawrence Hardin Systems Analyst
  • "This is what happens when the increasingly conservative young people go emulating Bob Dole."

    Rhonda Hansen Photographer
  • "Wow, there's an illicit market for these pills? And all this time, I've foolishly been using them to try to satisfy my wife."

    William Knotz Rental Clerk
  • "If kids today just pop a pill every time they want an erection, how are they going to learn valuable pussy-eating skills?"

    Jane Setzer Set Designer

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