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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Red Meat May Spell Early Death

A federal study revealed that middle-aged Americans who ate red meat at least once a day were 30 percent more likely to die during the 10 years researchers followed them. What do you think?
  • "This research may actually push Americans to adopt new habits, such as calling red meat something else."

    Juanita Haller Systems Analyst
  • "Yeah, but what if you eat red meat three or more times a day? Really? Oh boy."

    Peter Rothbart Car Rental Associate
  • "If I lived my life by everything studies told me, I'd have given up drinking used motor oil years ago."

    Brad Glennon Therapist

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