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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Red Vines Recalled Due To High Lead Content

The manufacturer of Red Vines Black Licorice Twists recalled 16-ounce packages of the popular candy after the California Department of Public Health found they contained more than twice the amount of lead considered acceptable for young children. What do you think?

  • “No problem. I’ll just have my kid break each one in half before eating them.”

    Monica Newkirk Park Naturalist
  • “I hope the company quickly returns to the high standards of complete shit that one usually associates with Red Vines.”

    James Witt Art Conservator
  • “So you expect me to switch to Twizzlers? Fuck you.”

    Roz Belig Clip-On Sunglasses Assembler
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