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Red Vines Recalled Due To High Lead Content

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.
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Red Vines Recalled Due To High Lead Content

The manufacturer of Red Vines Black Licorice Twists recalled 16-ounce packages of the popular candy after the California Department of Public Health found they contained more than twice the amount of lead considered acceptable for young children. What do you think?

  • “No problem. I’ll just have my kid break each one in half before eating them.”

    Monica Newkirk
    Park Naturalist
  • “I hope the company quickly returns to the high standards of complete shit that one usually associates with Red Vines.”

    James Witt
    Art Conservator
  • “So you expect me to switch to Twizzlers? Fuck you.”

    Roz Belig
    Clip-On Sunglasses Assembler

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