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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Red Vines Recalled Due To High Lead Content

The manufacturer of Red Vines Black Licorice Twists recalled 16-ounce packages of the popular candy after the California Department of Public Health found they contained more than twice the amount of lead considered acceptable for young children. What do you think?

  • “No problem. I’ll just have my kid break each one in half before eating them.”

    Monica Newkirk Park Naturalist
  • “I hope the company quickly returns to the high standards of complete shit that one usually associates with Red Vines.”

    James Witt Art Conservator
  • “So you expect me to switch to Twizzlers? Fuck you.”

    Roz Belig Clip-On Sunglasses Assembler

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