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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Reese Witherspoon Arrested For Disorderly Conduct

While her husband was receiving a DUI Friday, Reese Witherspoon was arrested for disorderly conduct when she disobeyed officers’ orders to stay in the car and defiantly questioned whether they knew who she was, behavior she admitted she was “deeply embarrassed” by. What do you think?

  • “Who does she think she is? Renée fucking Zellweger?”

    Lance Sprague Microfilm Processor
  • “Since she sounds genuinely remorseful, I say we only viciously mock her until Thursday.”

    Jasper Perreira Keel Assembler
  • “The Reese Witherspoon downward spiral continues. That girl really needs some help.”

    Elizabeth Gawley Telemarketer

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