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Politics

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Man Born With Face You Just Want To Punch

In case you missed last night's premiere of the second season of "Onion News Network", watch Jean Anne Whorton's touching portrait of a man who was born with a god-awful, hateful face.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Reform Party Follies

Among the names being thrown around as potential Reform Party presidential candidates for 2000 are Jesse Ventura, Pat Buchanan, Donald Trump, Cybill Shepherd, Ross Perot and Warren Beatty. What do you think about this wildly diverse assortment of Reform Party presidential hopefuls?
  • "In 2000, I'm voting Reform. They have a united, cohesive platform calling for gun control, abortion rights, increased military spending, right to life, and deficit reduction."

    Maxine Nelson Dietitian
  • "Sure, at this stage in American political history, Cybill Shepherd might seem like a viable presidential candidate. Nevertheless, I'm still voting for Emperor Caligula's horse."

    Steve Doby Civil Engineer
  • "America's two-party political system is a total joke. That's why I've turned to the Reform Party and Patrick Swayze."

    Don Walker Systems Analyst
  • "I dunno who I'm gonna vote for next year. I'm undecided between Pat Buchanan, Jesse Ventura, Goldberg, The Michelin Man, and that actress on that one show about the lady sheriff."

    Jim Ivins Plumber
  • "I was thinking of running as the Reform Party candidate in the 2000 election, but I realized I have to work that weekend."

    Kris Poule Delivery Driver
  • "2000 seems like a good year to just stop doing this whole presidential-election thing."

    Francine Eppard Student

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