adBlockCheck

Politics

Grievances Brought Up With Powerless Supervisor

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Fed up with an increasing workload and problems with his coworkers at CLG Software, project coordinator William Garsten reportedly took a list of grievances Wednesday to supervisor Todd Watkins, a middle manager utterly powerless to...

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
End Of Section
  • More News

Reform Party Follies

Among the names being thrown around as potential Reform Party presidential candidates for 2000 are Jesse Ventura, Pat Buchanan, Donald Trump, Cybill Shepherd, Ross Perot and Warren Beatty. What do you think about this wildly diverse assortment of Reform Party presidential hopefuls?
  • "In 2000, I'm voting Reform. They have a united, cohesive platform calling for gun control, abortion rights, increased military spending, right to life, and deficit reduction."

    Maxine Nelson Dietitian
  • "Sure, at this stage in American political history, Cybill Shepherd might seem like a viable presidential candidate. Nevertheless, I'm still voting for Emperor Caligula's horse."

    Steve Doby Civil Engineer
  • "America's two-party political system is a total joke. That's why I've turned to the Reform Party and Patrick Swayze."

    Don Walker Systems Analyst
  • "I dunno who I'm gonna vote for next year. I'm undecided between Pat Buchanan, Jesse Ventura, Goldberg, The Michelin Man, and that actress on that one show about the lady sheriff."

    Jim Ivins Plumber
  • "I was thinking of running as the Reform Party candidate in the 2000 election, but I realized I have to work that weekend."

    Kris Poule Delivery Driver
  • "2000 seems like a good year to just stop doing this whole presidential-election thing."

    Francine Eppard Student

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close