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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Reform Party Follies

Among the names being thrown around as potential Reform Party presidential candidates for 2000 are Jesse Ventura, Pat Buchanan, Donald Trump, Cybill Shepherd, Ross Perot and Warren Beatty. What do you think about this wildly diverse assortment of Reform Party presidential hopefuls?
  • "In 2000, I'm voting Reform. They have a united, cohesive platform calling for gun control, abortion rights, increased military spending, right to life, and deficit reduction."

    Maxine Nelson Dietitian
  • "Sure, at this stage in American political history, Cybill Shepherd might seem like a viable presidential candidate. Nevertheless, I'm still voting for Emperor Caligula's horse."

    Steve Doby Civil Engineer
  • "America's two-party political system is a total joke. That's why I've turned to the Reform Party and Patrick Swayze."

    Don Walker Systems Analyst
  • "I dunno who I'm gonna vote for next year. I'm undecided between Pat Buchanan, Jesse Ventura, Goldberg, The Michelin Man, and that actress on that one show about the lady sheriff."

    Jim Ivins Plumber
  • "I was thinking of running as the Reform Party candidate in the 2000 election, but I realized I have to work that weekend."

    Kris Poule Delivery Driver
  • "2000 seems like a good year to just stop doing this whole presidential-election thing."

    Francine Eppard Student

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