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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Regular Coffee Drinkers No More Alert

Researchers at Bristol University in the UK have found that heavy coffee drinkers derive no boost from the beverage, but merely stave off the depressive effects of withdrawal. What do you think?

  • "What is life, then, if it’s not about 'staving off'?"

    Jack Wills Doffer
  • "So what would be the ideal beverage to sip while I pretend I'm thinking?"

    Karen Goldberg Cost Clerk
  • "Are they not adding sugar?"

    Stephen Adler Brake Operator
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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