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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Report: Chances Of IRS Tax Audit Lowest Since The 1980s

According to a new report, budget cuts and overextended resources have significantly hampered the Internal Revenue Service’s ability to audit tax returns this year, giving Americans the lowest odds of getting audited since the 1980s. What do you think?

  • “I own a major oil corporation, so this changes nothing for me.”

    Hunter Salvo Chief Executive Officer
  • “Man, this ‘deterioration of America’ thing is really working out in my favor!”

    Susan Henriksen Community Theater Director
  • “I would tell the IRS that if they want to save money, just don’t report everything you take in. That’s what I do.”

    Bradford Smith Building Owner

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