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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Report: Chicken Nuggets Only 50% Meat

Researchers tested chicken nuggets from two fast food restaurants and found that the first was only half chicken muscle, with the rest made up of blood vessels, fat, and nerves, while the second sample was only 40% meat, with the remainder composed of fat, cartilage, and bone fragments. What do you think?

  • “A person makes certain concessions when he bites into a nugget of any kind.”

    Dori Aaron Electrical Contacts Adjuster
  • “Little ketchup will fix that right up.”

    Patrick Cavanaugh Deckhand
  • “These days it’s impossible to know exactly what you’re putting in your body. It’s very exciting.”

    Howard Lamneck Dynamite Reclaimer

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