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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Report: Chicken Nuggets Only 50% Meat

Researchers tested chicken nuggets from two fast food restaurants and found that the first was only half chicken muscle, with the rest made up of blood vessels, fat, and nerves, while the second sample was only 40% meat, with the remainder composed of fat, cartilage, and bone fragments. What do you think?

  • “A person makes certain concessions when he bites into a nugget of any kind.”

    Dori Aaron Electrical Contacts Adjuster
  • “Little ketchup will fix that right up.”

    Patrick Cavanaugh Deckhand
  • “These days it’s impossible to know exactly what you’re putting in your body. It’s very exciting.”

    Howard Lamneck Dynamite Reclaimer

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