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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Report: Moderate Drinking May Not Affect Fetus

A Danish study suggests that drinking low to moderate amounts of alcohol in the early months of pregnancy may not be harmful to the baby. What do you think?

  • "That's good news for my pregnant lady wine-tasting business plan."

    Ed Guterman Entrepreneur
  • "Is nothing my mom's fault?"

    Jason DiCenzo Nozzle Worker
  • "That’s great to know, but let’s say I wanted to do some damage?"

    Nicole Ganz Unemployed
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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