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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Report: More Parents Hiring Drug-Sniffing Dogs To Find Kids’ Pot

According to a report by NPR, a growing number of parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to search their teens’ bedrooms and find out if they are using illegal substances, leading to a rise in private businesses that train and rent out detection dogs. What do you think?

  • “I’d hire a dog to do all my parenting if I could.”

    Cooper Friedman Teleprompter Scripter
  • “Whatever happened to tricking your kid into letting you into her confidence by telling her some stories about how crazy the ’70s were, waiting for her to lower her guard, and then bringing the hammer down?”

    Mary-Ann Keller Pasta Maker
  • “I just wish there was an easier way to tell my children I love them.”

    Kurt Malone Software Upgrader

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