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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Report: Nuke Watchers Drunk On Job

A memo from the Department of Energy reported that, between 2007 and 2009, there were 16 incidents of agents transporting nuclear weapons while drunk. What do you think?

  • "That is unacceptable. What, do these people think they're emergency room surgeons or something?"

    Carrie Pfahler Emergency Room Surgeon
  • "What I want to know is, did they have the weapons at the bar with them, and did they take any photos of hot girls licking them?"

    Charles Schwarzenbach Systems Analyst
  • "Do you happen to know if the DOE is currently hiring any more drunks?"

    Warren Bauermeister Unemployed

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