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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Report: Nuke Watchers Drunk On Job

A memo from the Department of Energy reported that, between 2007 and 2009, there were 16 incidents of agents transporting nuclear weapons while drunk. What do you think?

  • "That is unacceptable. What, do these people think they're emergency room surgeons or something?"

    Carrie Pfahler Emergency Room Surgeon
  • "What I want to know is, did they have the weapons at the bar with them, and did they take any photos of hot girls licking them?"

    Charles Schwarzenbach Systems Analyst
  • "Do you happen to know if the DOE is currently hiring any more drunks?"

    Warren Bauermeister Unemployed

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