Report: Nuke Watchers Drunk On Job

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Vol 46 Issue 47

NBA Ref Accidentally Calls Offsides

SALT LAKE CITY—With 4.3 seconds left on the clock and the Jazz about to inbound the ball, NBA referee Ed Malloy whistled play dead and accidentally called the visiting Bucks for offsides Monday.

Bud Selig Name-Drops Willie Mays At Party

ORLANDO, FL—While attending a recent party following one of Major League Baseball's winter meetings Monday, Commissioner Bug Selig mentioned Hall of Fame outfielder Willie Mays repeatedly throughout the night, recounting numerous anecdotes of meetin...

Enchanting Evening Spent With Parents, Friends Of Parents

LANSDALE, PA—According to delighted reports, 25-year-old Brian Hatcher spent a most exquisite Saturday evening in the enchanting company of not only his parents, Mike, 54, and Diane, 53, but also their dear friends and longtime canasta partners Doug and Trudy Blanchard, both 53.

Barry Sanders

Perhaps the most electrifying running back of all time, Barry Sanders walked away from the game in 1999 to backpack across Europe. Was he any good?
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Report: Nuke Watchers Drunk On Job

A memo from the Department of Energy reported that, between 2007 and 2009, there were 16 incidents of agents transporting nuclear weapons while drunk. What do you think?

  • "That is unacceptable. What, do these people think they're emergency room surgeons or something?"

    Carrie Pfahler
    Emergency Room Surgeon
  • "What I want to know is, did they have the weapons at the bar with them, and did they take any photos of hot girls licking them?"

    Charles Schwarzenbach
    Systems Analyst
  • "Do you happen to know if the DOE is currently hiring any more drunks?"

    Warren Bauermeister
    Unemployed
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