Republican Site Crashes

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Vol 45 Issue 42

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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Republican Site Crashes

GOP.com, the new social networking site for Republicans, crashed hours after it was launched on Tuesday. What do you think?
  • "No site structure can possibly withstand that many people typing in all caps."

    Dave Nowak
    Campus Activities Director
  • "It works fine, you just have to remember to type in the suffix for their offshore domain in Bermuda."

    Don Rose
    Customs Inventory Team Lead
  • "It's kind of a shame, since they'd gone to the trouble of sending everyone a letter telling them what comments they should post."

    Ann Sliter
    Financial Reporting Manager
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