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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Republicans Block Equal Pay Bill

A bill that would have made it easier for women to sue for pay inequality was shot down by Senate Republicans. What do you think?

  • “C’mon, everyone knows women don’t like nice paychecks. They’re only interested in salaries that are hard to get.”

    Julie Speer Systems Analyst
  • “Men have the extra strength and lighter family responsibilities that make them more effective at tasks, such as typing up press releases.”

    Al Clark Refrigerator Glazier
  • “I think men should be compensated more for having a penis. We have to lug these things around all day, for God’s sake. Do you know how embarrassing that is?”

    Ray Flora Hydraulic Press Operator

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