adBlockCheck

Recent News

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Republicans Block Equal Pay Bill

A bill that would have made it easier for women to sue for pay inequality was shot down by Senate Republicans. What do you think?

  • “C’mon, everyone knows women don’t like nice paychecks. They’re only interested in salaries that are hard to get.”

    Julie Speer Systems Analyst
  • “Men have the extra strength and lighter family responsibilities that make them more effective at tasks, such as typing up press releases.”

    Al Clark Refrigerator Glazier
  • “I think men should be compensated more for having a penis. We have to lug these things around all day, for God’s sake. Do you know how embarrassing that is?”

    Ray Flora Hydraulic Press Operator
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close