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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Republicans Lose Ground With Women

Due in part to GOP-backed policies limiting birth-control access, President Barack Obama has an 18-point lead against any Republican opponent among women in swing states. What do you think?

  • "Looks like they'll be handing out lots of chocolates and rose bouquets come fall."

    Christina Gullette Social Director
  • "Then the next logical step is for the GOP super PACs to fund a series of ads aimed at getting women to loathe themselves so much they'll stay away from the polls altogether."

    Woody Margolis Systems Analyst
  • “Eh, we still got older white men. They’re the best.”

    Andy Shenkman Investment Banker

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