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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Republicans Lose Ground With Women

Due in part to GOP-backed policies limiting birth-control access, President Barack Obama has an 18-point lead against any Republican opponent among women in swing states. What do you think?

  • "Looks like they'll be handing out lots of chocolates and rose bouquets come fall."

    Christina Gullette Social Director
  • "Then the next logical step is for the GOP super PACs to fund a series of ads aimed at getting women to loathe themselves so much they'll stay away from the polls altogether."

    Woody Margolis Systems Analyst
  • “Eh, we still got older white men. They’re the best.”

    Andy Shenkman Investment Banker

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