adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Researchers Find New Strain Of HIV

Scientists recently discovered a new strain of HIV that originated in gorillas but is now infecting humans. What do you think?
  • "Yeah, right. Thanks, MOM."

    Parker Hughes Property Clerk
  • "I'm going to need some time to figure out what God is trying to say here."

    Katrina Gutmanis Preacher
  • "If those stupid apes weren't so damn cute, I'd stop rubbing my open wounds against their open wounds."

    David Giunta Machine Molder

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close