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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Researchers: Panda Faked Pregnancy To Get More Bamboo

After discovering the marsupial wasn't actually pregnant as believed, researchers at the Chengu Giant Panda Breeding Research Center in China said that giant panda Ai Hin faked being pregnant in order to receive more bamboo, extra fruit treats, and a nicer room. What do you think?

  • “Rather than admit their mistake, these researchers are willing to call a panda a liar.”

    Terrence Ward Playlist Queuer
  • “Well, it’s certainly not the first time I’ve heard of someone faking a pregnancy to receive more bamboo.”

    Kim Donaldson Stenciler
  • “Why are we trying to save these manipulative liars from extinction, again?”

    Richard Malone Systems Analyst
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