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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Resistance In Iraq

A sudden surge in anti-occupation violence in Iraq has prompted some Americans to fear the coalition forces' control is slipping. What do you think?
  • "A handful of kidnappings and a few armed insurrections doesn't mean we're losing control. It just means that we never really had control."

    Frank Himmelbaum Systems Analyst
  • "The insurgents are just jealous that we're part of an awesome coalition and they aren't."

    Mandy Wright Property Inspector
  • "Bush did say we'd be welcomed with an open display of small arms."

    Karl Wright Mathematician
  • "They're calling their latest operation 'Resolute Sword?' Shit. We have to change our band's name again."

    Eric Baker Lyricist
  • "I hope for the sake of Iraq's children this doesn't lead to a civil war. Then those kids would have to watch boring documentaries about it in school for the next 200 years."

    Scott Waller Waiter
  • "Well, everyone gets antsy around tax time."

    Dorothy Nelson CPA

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