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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Resistance In Iraq

A sudden surge in anti-occupation violence in Iraq has prompted some Americans to fear the coalition forces' control is slipping. What do you think?
  • "A handful of kidnappings and a few armed insurrections doesn't mean we're losing control. It just means that we never really had control."

    Frank Himmelbaum Systems Analyst
  • "The insurgents are just jealous that we're part of an awesome coalition and they aren't."

    Mandy Wright Property Inspector
  • "Bush did say we'd be welcomed with an open display of small arms."

    Karl Wright Mathematician
  • "They're calling their latest operation 'Resolute Sword?' Shit. We have to change our band's name again."

    Eric Baker Lyricist
  • "I hope for the sake of Iraq's children this doesn't lead to a civil war. Then those kids would have to watch boring documentaries about it in school for the next 200 years."

    Scott Waller Waiter
  • "Well, everyone gets antsy around tax time."

    Dorothy Nelson CPA

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