Responsible Holiday Drinking

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Frenzied Trump Supporters Admit They’d Be Just As Happy Tearing Him To Pieces

‘We’re Just Mad And Want To Destroy Something,’ Say Candidate’s Backers

WASHINGTON—Saying they simply needed something to direct their anger toward, the nation’s frenzied Donald Trump supporters admitted Thursday that, if circumstances were different, they would be just as happy tearing the Republican frontrunner to pieces.

How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.
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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Responsible Holiday Drinking

People tend to drink more over the holiday season. How will you drink responsibly this year?
  • "I'm trying to schedule so I it get it all done before lunch."

    Theresa Carr
    Systems Analyst
  • "Jumbo loaf of Wonder Bread. Eat two slices with every Jell-o shot and you're out of the weeds."

    Jerry Rudin
    Assembly Line Foreman
  • "I will ask my kids to close their eyes and cover their ears every time I take a shot."

    Jason Woolery
    Organic Farmer