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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Responsible Holiday Drinking

People tend to drink more over the holiday season. How will you drink responsibly this year?
  • "I'm trying to schedule so I it get it all done before lunch."

    Theresa Carr Systems Analyst
  • "Jumbo loaf of Wonder Bread. Eat two slices with every Jell-o shot and you're out of the weeds."

    Jerry Rudin Assembly Line Foreman
  • "I will ask my kids to close their eyes and cover their ears every time I take a shot."

    Jason Woolery Organic Farmer

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