adBlockCheck

Local

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

Responsible Holiday Drinking

People tend to drink more over the holiday season. How will you drink responsibly this year?

  • "I'm trying to schedule so I it get it all done before lunch."

    Theresa Carr Systems Analyst
  • "Jumbo loaf of Wonder Bread. Eat two slices with every Jell-o shot and you're out of the weeds."

    Jerry Rudin Assembly Line Foreman
  • "I will ask my kids to close their eyes and cover their ears every time I take a shot."

    Jason Woolery Organic Farmer

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close