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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Retail Sales Rise

Retail sales in the United States rose 0.8 percent in March, thanks in part to warmer weather and an improved economy. What do you think?

  • "0.8 percent? America's back, baby!"

    Janet Yarrall Test Engineer
  • “Oh, really? Because there’s been a 14 year-old riding lawn mower in my yard for six weeks with a for-sale sign on it that says you’re full of shit.”

    Joshua Gooch Disassembler
  • "It must be the spring, when credit card debt statements fade in the glow of the late April sun."

    Andrew Lamey Systems Analyst

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