adBlockCheck

Retail Sales Rise

Top Headlines

Recent News

Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Streaming

Satisfaction

Retail Sales Rise

Retail sales in the United States rose 0.8 percent in March, thanks in part to warmer weather and an improved economy. What do you think?

  • "0.8 percent? America's back, baby!"

    Janet Yarrall
    Test Engineer
  • “Oh, really? Because there’s been a 14 year-old riding lawn mower in my yard for six weeks with a for-sale sign on it that says you’re full of shit.”

    Joshua Gooch
    Disassembler
  • "It must be the spring, when credit card debt statements fade in the glow of the late April sun."

    Andrew Lamey
    Systems Analyst

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close