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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Return Of The Draft?

As the war in Iraq drags on, some Americans fear reinstatement of the military draft. What do you think?
  • "Well, okay. As long as it's only a small draft and then they promise to stop."

    Sara Simpson Camera Operator
  • "A draft would be great. Going down there to sign myself up would be such a hassle."

    Leonard Robertson Systems Analyst
  • "If I get drafted, I hope they put me on one of the swift boats. From what I gather, those guys are never in any danger."

    James Sanders Carpenter
  • "If I must submit to a draft, I hope I'm not picked by Cincinnati."

    Johnny Grant Carpet Cutter
  • "Well, no one is getting drafted until after the election, so there's no use worrying about it now."

    Chris Daniels Physician
  • "That's it. I'm voting for the candidate who would flip-flop on sending my son to die, rather than the one who'd do it without hesitation."

    Carmen Rice Brokerage Clerk

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