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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Return Of The Draft?

As the war in Iraq drags on, some Americans fear reinstatement of the military draft. What do you think?
  • "Well, okay. As long as it's only a small draft and then they promise to stop."

    Sara Simpson Camera Operator
  • "A draft would be great. Going down there to sign myself up would be such a hassle."

    Leonard Robertson Systems Analyst
  • "If I get drafted, I hope they put me on one of the swift boats. From what I gather, those guys are never in any danger."

    James Sanders Carpenter
  • "If I must submit to a draft, I hope I'm not picked by Cincinnati."

    Johnny Grant Carpet Cutter
  • "Well, no one is getting drafted until after the election, so there's no use worrying about it now."

    Chris Daniels Physician
  • "That's it. I'm voting for the candidate who would flip-flop on sending my son to die, rather than the one who'd do it without hesitation."

    Carmen Rice Brokerage Clerk

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