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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Richard Clarke Speaks Out

Former counterterrorism official Richard Clarke emerged as a controversial, outspoken figure at the Sept. 11 investigation hearings. What do you think?
  • "Clarke is just another crazy conspiracy theorist claiming that the federal government is slow, inefficient, and unfocused."

    Tammy Kroft Business Owner
  • "I don't think Clarke is lying. He's got a book to back up his claims. What does the White House have? Nothing."

    Katie Sanderson Legal Secretary
  • "In this time of crisis, we should stand by the president no matter what. Yes, I know I've been saying that same thing for three straight years now. So?"

    Karl Kruger Systems Analyst
  • "Clarke is just mad because he was passed over for a promotion. And because his bosses' indifference to the American public was indirectly responsible for 3,000 deaths."

    Vincent Wenz Bartender
  • "Dick Clarke, despite the controversy, still looks amazingly good after all these years."

    David Everly Cook
  • "Richard Clarke was fixated on, even obsessed with, terrorists and terrorism. Do we really want people like that in our government?"

    Thomas Smith Architect

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