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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Richard Dawson Dead

Richard Dawson, actor and longtime host of Family Feud, died Saturday at 79. What do you think?

  • "Dawson's contribution to the field of frivolous polling will always be remembered."

    Erik Cook Scullion
  • "That was the guy who figured out you could get away with molestation on TV if you were a cheeky game-show host, right? Reprehensible. But admittedly ingenious."

    Mindy Brotherson Systems Analyst
  • "And yet that bastard Wink Martindale lives."

    Steve Crain Abrasive Mixer

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