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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Right-to-Die Controversy

Right-to-die has been a hot issue of late, with both pro- and anti-right-to-die forces holding large demonstrations across the U.S. What do you think of physician-assisted suicide?
  • "I believe I have the right to die. I also believe I have the right to say: 'I'm not gonna pay a lot for this muffler.'"

    Sandra Gregorian Systems Analyst
  • "Everyone has a right to die. Especially all those people I'm planning to stab to death."

    Oliver Mielecki Botanist
  • "My poor mother broke her leg last May, and we had no choice but to put her down."

    Wayne Buice Student
  • "If right-to-die legislation had been passed years ago, think of all that would have been lost—like the last two seasons of The Golden Girls."

    Theo Crawford Plumber
  • "Apple, pecan, cherry. I think every person has the right to pie."

    Nancy Rivers Accountant
  • "If you're brain-dead and hooked up to life support, it doesn't matter if you die or not, just as long as you try your best. That's all anyone can ask."

    Matt Polan Caterer

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