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Right-to-Die Controversy

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

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FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

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Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

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Right-to-Die Controversy

Right-to-die has been a hot issue of late, with both pro- and anti-right-to-die forces holding large demonstrations across the U.S. What do you think of physician-assisted suicide?
  • "I believe I have the right to die. I also believe I have the right to say: 'I'm not gonna pay a lot for this muffler.'"

    Sandra Gregorian Systems Analyst
  • "Everyone has a right to die. Especially all those people I'm planning to stab to death."

    Oliver Mielecki Botanist
  • "My poor mother broke her leg last May, and we had no choice but to put her down."

    Wayne Buice Student
  • "If right-to-die legislation had been passed years ago, think of all that would have been lost—like the last two seasons of The Golden Girls."

    Theo Crawford Plumber
  • "Apple, pecan, cherry. I think every person has the right to pie."

    Nancy Rivers Accountant
  • "If you're brain-dead and hooked up to life support, it doesn't matter if you die or not, just as long as you try your best. That's all anyone can ask."

    Matt Polan Caterer

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