Rise Of The Far Right In Europe

In This Section

Vol 38 Issue 18

Routine, Affordable Medical Procedure Put Off Another Year

WEBSTER GROVES, MO—Three years after being diagnosed with a benign rectal polyp, Webster Groves resident William Schraft continues to put off its removal, insisting that there is no need to undergo the routine, affordable procedure right this minute. "The doctor said it was benign, so what's the big rush?" the 54-year-old Schraft said Monday. "I can barely feel it most days anyway. It's probably shrinking."

Producer Wants To Call Movie Crime And Punishment Anyway

LOS ANGELES—Upon learning that the title has already been taken, Hollywood producer Andrew Shuler announced Monday that he wants to call his upcoming Universal Pictures police thriller Crime And Punishment anyway. "There is?" said Shuler, moments after being told of the classic Fyodor Dostoyevsky novel that shares its name with his upcoming Val Kilmer-Wesley Snipes vehicle. "I don't really see that as a problem. What 18- to 34-year-old has ever heard of that?" Shuler said he is confident he will be able to "buy out this Russian guy."

Christian Weightlifter Bends Iron Bar To Show Power Of God's Love

TULSA, OK—Before 11,000 attendees at a "He Is Risen Rally" at Mabee Center, Christian weightlifter Michael Brighton bent a two-inch-thick iron bar Monday, clearly demonstrating the power of God's love within the heart and body of His followers. "Do you see the power of faith and belief?" said the 255-pound Brighton following the impressive feat of spiritual prowess. "Only a strong personal relationship with my Creator could have made this possible." Brighton went on to demonstrate God's hatred of ice blocks and wooden boards.

Burglary Is The Sincerest Form Of Flattery

Judging from the look on your face, I'm guessing you're offended. But please don't take my presence here in your home as a personal affront. When I sneaked into your home under cover of darkness after disarming your security system, feeding the guard dogs a sedative, and climbing to the second-story window with a grappling hook and rope, I never intended to insult you. In fact, my intention was just the opposite. I mean, what is burglary, after all, if not the sincerest form of flattery?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Rise Of The Far Right In Europe

From France to Austria to the Netherlands, ultra-nationalist, far-right political parties hostile to immigration are making gains throughout Europe. What do you think?
  • "Who cares if a bunch of fjord-niggers wanna go all fascist? We can take 'em."

    Chris Winfield
    Plumber
  • "Darling, I just returned from Fascism Week in Milan, and I dare say floral prints are back with a cold, steel vengeance this year."

    Eileen Tenace
    Buyer
  • "I thought France already was fascist. The French guy at the coffee shop sure is."

    Paul Bevacqua
    Cab Driver
  • "If everyone has food on the table and the trains run on time, maybe it's worth the occasional mile-deep pit of innocent civilians."

    Dan Eichelberger
    Systems Analyst
  • "Imagine how awful it would be if there were a resurgence of anti-Semitism in Europe. It'd be just like the last 2,000 years all over again."

    Laurie Almon
    Architect
  • "Just keep your eye on them shifty-looking Luxembourgers. They're just waiting for the rest of the world to blink."

    Raymond Fingers
    Civil Engineer
Jump to next story

Onion Video

Watch More