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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Rising Cable Rates

The nation's cable TV operators announced recently that after an 8 percent hike in 1996, rates will go up another 10 percent in January 1997. What do you think?
  • "It's disappointing, but understandable. I mean, Welcome Back Kotter re-runs must be really expensive to air."

    Jacob Warner
    Lab Technician
  • "I hope they raise the rates. It makes me feel good to help a struggling media conglomerate get a little bit ahead."

    Albert Cahill
    Civil Engineer
  • "Cable rates, cigarette prices and liquor taxes are all going up this month. At this rate, the twins' baby food budget is gonna be cut in half."

    Lauryn Hill
    Pipefitter
  • "With my satellite dish, I can get over 500 stations from around the world. Wanna watch Hart To Hart in German?"

    Josias Manzanillo
    Pediatrician
  • "Did you see Sister Act II? I have—34 times."

    Tim Bergstrom
    Systems Analyst
  • "If these rates keep going up, I might soon have to cut back on some channels, like STN--the Shiny Things Network."

    Daphne London
    School Psychologist

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