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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Rising Cable Rates

The nation's cable TV operators announced recently that after an 8 percent hike in 1996, rates will go up another 10 percent in January 1997. What do you think?
  • "It's disappointing, but understandable. I mean, Welcome Back Kotter re-runs must be really expensive to air."

    Jacob Warner Lab Technician
  • "I hope they raise the rates. It makes me feel good to help a struggling media conglomerate get a little bit ahead."

    Albert Cahill Civil Engineer
  • "Cable rates, cigarette prices and liquor taxes are all going up this month. At this rate, the twins' baby food budget is gonna be cut in half."

    Lauryn Hill Pipefitter
  • "With my satellite dish, I can get over 500 stations from around the world. Wanna watch Hart To Hart in German?"

    Josias Manzanillo Pediatrician
  • "Did you see Sister Act II? I have—34 times."

    Tim Bergstrom Systems Analyst
  • "If these rates keep going up, I might soon have to cut back on some channels, like STN--the Shiny Things Network."

    Daphne London School Psychologist

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