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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Rising Luxury-Goods Sales

Sales of luxury goods are booming despite a period of near-stagnation in the American economy. What do you think?
  • "Hooray! This means I won't lose my shitty job mopping out toilets at the custom Learjet factory!"

    Kalil Ngyue Custodian
  • "Dammit, I really thought the Italian sports car bubble was finally going to burst this year."

    Arnold Featherston Art Restorer
  • "Millionaires are spending more on pampering themselves? Thank God that, even in the midst of all these crises in Iraq and the Gulf Coast, there's still some good news to read about."

    Barbara Montenegro Housewife

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