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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.
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Rising Luxury-Goods Sales

Sales of luxury goods are booming despite a period of near-stagnation in the American economy. What do you think?
  • "Hooray! This means I won't lose my shitty job mopping out toilets at the custom Learjet factory!"

    Kalil Ngyue Custodian
  • "Dammit, I really thought the Italian sports car bubble was finally going to burst this year."

    Arnold Featherston Art Restorer
  • "Millionaires are spending more on pampering themselves? Thank God that, even in the midst of all these crises in Iraq and the Gulf Coast, there's still some good news to read about."

    Barbara Montenegro Housewife

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