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Robert Altman Dead

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

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EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

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Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

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Robert Altman Dead

Acclaimed director Robert Altman died this week. What do you think?
  • "I hope he didn't check 'Yes' on the organ-donation box. There's nothing worse than a third-hand heart."

    Rebecca Johansen Systems Analyst
  • "This death came out of nowhere. Mr. Altman appeared so young, vibrant, and fresh-faced."

    Lee Utrecht Tunnel Digger
  • "See what happens when you go around being stoned all the time? You accidentally make Popeye and manage to fuck up what would have been a perfectly lovely obit."

    Jeremy Wilmington Bricklayer

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