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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Robert Altman Dead

Acclaimed director Robert Altman died this week. What do you think?
  • "I hope he didn't check 'Yes' on the organ-donation box. There's nothing worse than a third-hand heart."

    Rebecca Johansen Systems Analyst
  • "This death came out of nowhere. Mr. Altman appeared so young, vibrant, and fresh-faced."

    Lee Utrecht Tunnel Digger
  • "See what happens when you go around being stoned all the time? You accidentally make Popeye and manage to fuck up what would have been a perfectly lovely obit."

    Jeremy Wilmington Bricklayer

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