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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Robot 'Cheetah' Sets Land Speed Record

A quadrupedal machine known as the Cheetah set a land-speed record for legged robots, running 18 mph on a treadmill in a U.S. military–funded lab. What do you think?

  • "This is the first step on the road to a glorious future where everyone has a robot to do their exercising for them."

    Kyle Gonsales Welder Helper
  • "Sure, it performs great in a lab, but can it defuse bombs like a real cheetah?"

    Jerry Rose Kitchen Clerk
  • “If we can make a robot cheetah that runs 18 miles per hour, maybe we could even build a robot polar bear that freezes and breaks below 32 degrees.”

    Hanly Gibbs Bead Builder

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