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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Robotic Suit Could Help Paraplegics Walk

According to its NASA creators, a 57-pound robotic exoskeleton developed to keep astronauts fit on a possible future mission to Mars could also be used on Earth to give paraplegics the ability to walk again by assisting movements and keeping the wearer stable. What do you think?

  • “Wait, what about normal guys like me? Do I still have to use my stupid old legs?”

    Peter Polkes Ice Cutter
  • “It’s amazing to think that, with all these advances in technology, soon every paraplegic will be able to crush any able-bodied person.”

    Cheryl O’Shea Payroll Clerk
  • “Sorry, quadriplegics. Your lives will still be very difficult.”

    Paul Hinselwood Talent Director

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