Robotic Suit Could Help Paraplegics Walk

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Vol 48 Issue 42

Romney Blimp Makes Emergency Landing

While flying over Boca Raton, FL yesterday ahead of the final presidential debate, a blimp bearing the likeness of the Republican presidential nominee and the phrase “America Needs Romney” was forced by high winds to make an emergency landing.

The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Chelsea Burns and Robert Jacobs

Chelsea Burns and Robert Jacobs were married at sunset Saturday on a picturesque Hawaiian beach inside Chelsea's head, while the rest of her body was at the actual ceremony near the seventh hole of the golf club Robert's dad belongs to.

Romney Stands Behind Ryan To Show Good Campaigning Stance

COLUMBUS, OH—In order to demonstrate proper campaign posture, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney stood behind running mate Paul Ryan on Saturday and gently guided the younger man’s hips and elbows into an ideal speaking stance, source...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Energy

Robotic Suit Could Help Paraplegics Walk

According to its NASA creators, a 57-pound robotic exoskeleton developed to keep astronauts fit on a possible future mission to Mars could also be used on Earth to give paraplegics the ability to walk again by assisting movements and keeping the wearer stable. What do you think?

  • “Wait, what about normal guys like me? Do I still have to use my stupid old legs?”

    Peter Polkes
    Ice Cutter
  • “It’s amazing to think that, with all these advances in technology, soon every paraplegic will be able to crush any able-bodied person.”

    Cheryl O’Shea
    Payroll Clerk
  • “Sorry, quadriplegics. Your lives will still be very difficult.”

    Paul Hinselwood
    Talent Director
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