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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.
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Robotic Suit Could Help Paraplegics Walk

According to its NASA creators, a 57-pound robotic exoskeleton developed to keep astronauts fit on a possible future mission to Mars could also be used on Earth to give paraplegics the ability to walk again by assisting movements and keeping the wearer stable. What do you think?

  • “Wait, what about normal guys like me? Do I still have to use my stupid old legs?”

    Peter Polkes Ice Cutter
  • “It’s amazing to think that, with all these advances in technology, soon every paraplegic will be able to crush any able-bodied person.”

    Cheryl O’Shea Payroll Clerk
  • “Sorry, quadriplegics. Your lives will still be very difficult.”

    Paul Hinselwood Talent Director
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