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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Rock Concert Ratings

Rock group Marilyn Manson's current tour—which includes explicit depictions of violent and sexual acts—has met with protests from decency groups, sparking a call for ratings for rock concerts. What do you think?
  • "I agree that something should be done. I've felt this way since 1978, when I saw Shaun Cassidy eat a baby onstage."

    Irene Merrick Bank Teller
  • "This is a difficult issue: I'm torn between a deep hatred of censorship and an even deeper one for Marilyn Manson."

    Russell Bossy Student
  • "I'm sure teenagers wouldn't be flocking to these Marilyn Manson shows if they were clearly labeled as carnal circuses of nudity, gore and corpse-fucking."

    Dave Tonelli Paint Salesman
  • "I think those rock concerts are dangerous. I was at a BoDeans show once, and a number of concertgoers stood around holding lit cigarette lighters in their hands. It could have started a fire."

    Melissa Goring Systems Analyst
  • "Whatever happened to good old-fashioned songs like 'Would You Share A Strawberry Bromide With Me, My Sweet Pollybelle'? Everything today is about the sexy kissing and the holding of the hands."

    Ed Resch Science Teacher
  • "The only thing warning labels do is serve to make things even more attractive. Why do you think I drink anti-freeze?"

    Tim Langevin Legal Secretary
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

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