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Man Born With Face You Just Want To Punch

In case you missed last night's premiere of the second season of "Onion News Network", watch Jean Anne Whorton's touching portrait of a man who was born with a god-awful, hateful face.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Rock Concert Ratings

Rock group Marilyn Manson's current tour—which includes explicit depictions of violent and sexual acts—has met with protests from decency groups, sparking a call for ratings for rock concerts. What do you think?
  • "I agree that something should be done. I've felt this way since 1978, when I saw Shaun Cassidy eat a baby onstage."

    Irene Merrick Bank Teller
  • "This is a difficult issue: I'm torn between a deep hatred of censorship and an even deeper one for Marilyn Manson."

    Russell Bossy Student
  • "I'm sure teenagers wouldn't be flocking to these Marilyn Manson shows if they were clearly labeled as carnal circuses of nudity, gore and corpse-fucking."

    Dave Tonelli Paint Salesman
  • "I think those rock concerts are dangerous. I was at a BoDeans show once, and a number of concertgoers stood around holding lit cigarette lighters in their hands. It could have started a fire."

    Melissa Goring Systems Analyst
  • "Whatever happened to good old-fashioned songs like 'Would You Share A Strawberry Bromide With Me, My Sweet Pollybelle'? Everything today is about the sexy kissing and the holding of the hands."

    Ed Resch Science Teacher
  • "The only thing warning labels do is serve to make things even more attractive. Why do you think I drink anti-freeze?"

    Tim Langevin Legal Secretary
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