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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Rodent-Borne Virus Kills 2 At Yosemite

With four visitors who stayed in cabins at Yosemite National Park this summer having contracted hantavirus, and two having died from the rodent-spread disease, park officials have contacted 1,700 recent guests to warn them they may be at risk. What do you think?

  • “There you go, Teddy fucking Roosevelt and the national park system you just had to have. I hope you’re happy.”

    Thalia Urshan Systems Analyst
  • “Lucky for me, I don’t live in Yosemite National Park.”

    Ronald Costitch Construction Superintendent
  • “Have they considered separate camping sites for humans and rodents?”

    MacIntyre Berglund Horticultural Worker

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