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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Rodent-Borne Virus Kills 2 At Yosemite

With four visitors who stayed in cabins at Yosemite National Park this summer having contracted hantavirus, and two having died from the rodent-spread disease, park officials have contacted 1,700 recent guests to warn them they may be at risk. What do you think?

  • “There you go, Teddy fucking Roosevelt and the national park system you just had to have. I hope you’re happy.”

    Thalia Urshan Systems Analyst
  • “Lucky for me, I don’t live in Yosemite National Park.”

    Ronald Costitch Construction Superintendent
  • “Have they considered separate camping sites for humans and rodents?”

    MacIntyre Berglund Horticultural Worker

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