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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Rodent-Borne Virus Kills 2 At Yosemite

With four visitors who stayed in cabins at Yosemite National Park this summer having contracted hantavirus, and two having died from the rodent-spread disease, park officials have contacted 1,700 recent guests to warn them they may be at risk. What do you think?

  • “There you go, Teddy fucking Roosevelt and the national park system you just had to have. I hope you’re happy.”

    Thalia Urshan Systems Analyst
  • “Lucky for me, I don’t live in Yosemite National Park.”

    Ronald Costitch Construction Superintendent
  • “Have they considered separate camping sites for humans and rodents?”

    MacIntyre Berglund Horticultural Worker
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