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Priebus Grateful He Had So Little Dignity To Begin With

WASHINGTON—Taking stock of his present circumstances as he packed up his belongings and exited the West Wing after being pushed out of office by the president of the United States, former White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus expressed a sense of gratitude Friday that he had so little dignity to begin with.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Rolling Stones Turn 50

The iconic British rock band the Rolling Stones made their debut at London's Marquee Club 50 years ago yesterday. What do you think?

  • “They’re a towering example of how age truly doesn’t matter. Except for the bassist guy who said, ‘Fuck this, I’m too old for this shit,’ and quit.”

    Eliza Spurr Cultural Center Worker
  • “I’m not impressed unless their instruments are also 50 years old.”

    Max Ochoa Systems Analyst
  • “Oh, it’s pathetic because they’re so old. Is that what you want me to say? Fuck you—you never wrote ‘Moonlight Mile.’”

    Joe Kane Public Radio Producer

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