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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Romantic Pain = Physical Pain

New research reveals that the reaction of the human brain to heartbreak is similar to its reaction to the experience of physical pain. What do you think?

  • "No way. That would mean that being in love and experiencing physical pleasure would go hand in hand!"

    Judy Halliday Foam Gun Operator
  • "What happens if you're breaking up with an abusive boyfriend? Does your brain just explode?"

    Ted Poling Systems Analyst
  • "Let me guess: It's the anterior cingulate cortex, right? That thing always acts up after I get dumped."

    Blaine Klaers Junction Maker

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